you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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