wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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