I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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