I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize