I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
