That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
