You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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