He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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