what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
