why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
