Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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