Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
did you just send me my own nude
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize