i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
