I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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