my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
