You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
