He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
