girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize