I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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