I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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