the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
