It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Ketchup is God's man juice
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
