Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
