A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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