What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize