When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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