Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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