I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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