opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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