im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
