she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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