i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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