Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
