Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
