Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
