Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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