Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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