the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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