i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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