i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
