Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
