Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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