i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
