This dress was meant to end up on your floor
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
