Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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