I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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