you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
