I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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