trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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