just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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