Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
