I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
