I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
