She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
