I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Gay?
German.
Pity.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
