i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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