Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
