You really coming over, don't trick.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
