Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
