I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
