Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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