he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
